My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
