matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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