the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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