Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
