i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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