My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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