so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
