Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
