Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
