took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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