I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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