He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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