i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
