Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
