So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
