If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I am naked and annoyed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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