i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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