You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
