Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
