i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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