The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Randomize
