Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
