the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
These tits shall not be calmed
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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