Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
