I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
