My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
