As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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