I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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