My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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