At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
