I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
