College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
