Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
