paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
