So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
