I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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