hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
