Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
