my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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