god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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