you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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