our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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