My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
