I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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