He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
