We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
