matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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