New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
