While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
