What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
jump out the window naked night went bad
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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