You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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